I am so torn - I got a notice in the mail reminding me that I have until Feb. to decide whether I am going to sculpt this spring. I haven’ t been doing any sculpting this fall – instead of going to the studio on my Wednesdays off, I’ve been spending Wednesday evenings with Dad. Sculpting is really important to me – when I’m not doing it I can feel it both emotionally and physically, in my hands – it’s hard to explain. It’s like my hands miss the feel of the clay.
Dad would hate to be the reason I wasn’t sculpting – he was always really supportive of my artwork. He used to offer to support me while I took a year off and just made art, but I was always really involved at one job or another and never felt like I could just drop everything and do that.
But since I work evenings, Wednesday is the only time I can really spend time with him during the week. Marie/Obama is with him until 4pm, so he doesn’t need company as much in the afternoon, before I go to work. I’m already spending most of the weekend with him, before work on Saturday, and when I’m off on Sundays, but it never feels like enough. He’s so happy when I show up – it’s always a surprise to him, even though I follow a regular schedule – and he always thanks me for coming, in that formal way of his. Today he said "I'm very, very happy you turned out, I was in an awful, awful mood."
Mostly, I’m just really afraid of being left with regrets when he’s gone – it’s been ten years since my mother died and I still have moments when I wish I had done things differently, especially regarding her last hospitalization. If I had known she was dying, I wouldn’t have let them keep her in the hospital, where she was so uncomfortable.
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