Don't Try This At Home

Today I got to Dad’s house and found him washing the dishes – with peanut butter! He hadn’t been able to find the dish soap (because we keep it hidden since the time he mistook it for a beverage), so he decided to use “the sticky stuff.” Dad likes washing dishes and it makes him feel useful, so I took away the peanut butter and gave him the dish detergent and a sponge

Speaking of the Dish Soap Incident, it came up tonight and Kate S. couldn’t resist asking, “Did bubbles come out of your nose?” Dad replied, “I don’t know where it came out of, my ass, my nipples . . .” Kate interrupted “Bubbles came out of your nipples?” and we all burst out laughing.

I noticed Dad was wearing a plain red cap instead of the Obama hat. “Dad, what happened to the Obama hat?” “I haven’t seen it in days, someone must have stolen it.” I sent Kate S. to the bedroom to look and she found it easily and brought it to him. He proceeded to put on the Obama hat over the red hat and wore two hats for the rest of the evening.

Dad keeps burping. I don’t know what’s going on. It started a couple of weeks ago and, as far as I know, he hasn’t been eating anything new or unusual lately. I wonder if I should take him to the doctor. I asked him if he was in any pain, and he wanted to know why, so I pointed out the burping to him. So then he got silly and started faking burps, and now every time he burps he makes an announcement about it.

We gave Dad a dish of ice cream with chocolate sauce. He dove in, then asked, “are there little rocks in this?” as though rocks were a normal part of our cuisine. “No, Dad, they’re little pieces of chocolate.”

A random Dad quote: “I think they wait until you’re 80 and then they give you cigars. They say ‘you’re not going to be around much longer’ so then they give you cigars because they know they’re not going to have to keep it up for fifty years.”